


Cupid with a KA-BAR

by The_AU_Factory



Category: The Losers (2010)
Genre: Everyone is Alive and Nothing Hurts, Movie AU, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-20
Updated: 2013-09-20
Packaged: 2017-12-27 03:43:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/973908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_AU_Factory/pseuds/The_AU_Factory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen is in desperate need of wooing advice and goes to a surprising source.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cupid with a KA-BAR

**Author's Note:**

> Posted here by request!
> 
> -Sue

  
Under any other circumstances, Jensen would _not_ be doing this.

It's just that... Cougar's got the tall, dark, and handsome thing going on and Jensen... _doesn't_.

"...I'm not seeing how this is my problem," Roque says flatly.

Jensen fidgets. "I mean, it's not, but when I start sighing wistfully and doodling "Mr. and Mr. Alvarez" on everything, pretty sure that it'll be your problem."

Roque is Clayless because their fearless leader was summoned to HQ for a round of possibly week long meetings, which is another reason why Jensen finally worked up the nerve to do this.

Their captain is terrifying and rightfully so, but their CO is eight different flavors of cray.

"Have tried telling him that you...like him?" Roque asks with a cringe.

"...Is that how you got Clay?"

" _Get out_."

"Goodnightandsweetdreamssir."

Probably not the best approach, but there's always tomorrow.

There _would've_ been tomorrow if not for the fact that Roque is now ignoring Jensen; and not just _ignoring_ him, but straight up avoiding him like it's his second job and he's trying to get paid for overtime.

Aisha picks up on this immediately and just raises an eyebrow at no one in particular. The Eyebrow is an equal opportunity mocker.

Pooch is much more vocal when Jensen calls him to whine.

And Jolene is no better. She laughs for five minutes then hands the phone back to her husband.

"Rule number one of Roque and Clay is _never_ talk about Roque and Clay," Pooch orders. "Rule number two of Roque and Clay is _never_ talk about Roque and Clay. Rule number three of Roque and Clay is guess what? _Never talk about Roque and Clay_."

After this wisdom is handed down, Jensen is left with the dial tone.

Isn't having a kid suppose to make people _nicer_?

He's prepared to sulk and sulk for the rest of the week until Roque invites himself into his room that night.

"...Uh--"

"Shut up. Leave bullets and gun oil in places he would only see. Then upgrade to jaw breakers and cupcakes. Then grenades. Then you do...other things."

"...Other thi-"

**"Jacob."**

"...I'm guessing this conversation never happened?"

"You're asleep. _Deeply_ asleep."

 "Sir, yes, sir, thank you, sir!"

And with that, so begins the courting of one Sergeant Carlos "Cougar" Alvarez.

Aisha catches Jensen trying to hide gun oil in the kitchen behind the Frosted Flakes.

She stares at him for a few blood curdling seconds without blinking. "Tape it to the milk."

"...But I don't have any--"

He shrieks because duck tape. Thrown at his _head._ A disturbingly large roll of duct tape is thrown at his head.

Aisha nods in satisfaction then walks out with a box of Pop-Tarts.

"... _Thanks_! Really!" Jensen mumbles.

Cougar is bemused by the gun oil strapped to the milk, but there is a small smile on his face as he frees it.

Jensen happily kicks his feet under the table (while retaining his p-p-p-poker face) and Aisha is looking at him like he's a nine year old girl.

Roque is acting like drinking his coffee is a life or death matter.

Meaning that someone will die if they bother him.

As for Jensen, he couldn't be better.

The bullets are much more fun to hide.

Because Jensen doesn't actually hide them.

He strings them across the sniper's room like lights at a party and Roque is starting to regret ever helping him.

"What the _fuck_ was that?"

"...You told me to give him bullets," Jensen says slowly, "so I gave him bullets. And now I'm making him cupcakes!"

Roque looks at him in digust then sighs and scowls. "...He likes chocolate."

Then he disappears like a Sailor Moon villian and Jensen is left standing alone in the kitchen. "Well. That was special," he says to himself.

Roque suddenly ninjas out and Jensen is left standing alone in the kitchen.

"You like me?"

A very manly shriek rips itself out of Jensen's throat. "Whatyesnomaybeyesyou'rereallyhotandIwanttolickyourfacenandhaveyourbabies."

Cougar just smiles then kisses him.

Jensen is so happy that he could cry because these are about to be the ugliest cupcakes ever seen by human eyes.

Clay returns to see them play footsie under the table and immediately looks at Roque. " _Really_?"

"Shut up, they're in love," the other man says absently as he sharpens the intimidating blade in his hand.

Aisha snorts as she eats one of the ugliest cupcakes Clay has ever seen in his life.

...He would still like one, though.

"I made you prettier ones," Roque says without looking up from his task.

If Aisha sees Clay stoop down to kiss the top of Roque's ear, she says nothing.

Jensen, however, falls out of his chair. Because gravity hates him.

Cougar watches him with a fond expression as he flails on the floor.

And then they all kind of lived happily ever after.

With ugly as fuck cupcakes.  



End file.
